Twitch

I’m having a moment.

Twitch died yesterday and it threw me into a tailspin.

It’s personal, but it’s also kinda the whole basis of this business. It is starting to feel incongruous to not share, so here I am.

Last year at this time, I wrote about a pendulum as I wrapped up my first 5 months of the business and the first 3 months of van-life:

“This is the pendulum I’ve been waiting for.

There was a time when I told myself that whatever low I was feeling, the equal and opposite high would have space to appear one day.

I thought of it as a pendulum, however low you go, that’s how high you can go.

It ain’t scientific, I’m not even sure it’s a thing, but it’s a thing for me.

I think I’m on my high; I’m feeling all the same things that made me want to die, but now they make me want to live.

I surrender daily to what the day holds, like literally hands up, I got nothin’ but tryn’.

I can’t control anything, I can only do the best I can with what I know and what I have.

When I know more and when I have more, I do a different version of my best.

These things used to make me feel like I wasn’t enough, but now they’re the things that make me feel alive.

I never want to stop trying, and I never want to have it all figured out. How boring would that be?

This pendulum will find it’s center, as all pendulums do, but until then, I’ll keep riding this high.”

My timing was a little off, or maybe this writing was a manifestation of things to come, but I’m definitely on the high now. Just like the lows made space to reflect on the highs, the highs are making space to reflect on the lows.

The first happy thought was written on my mirror while I was suicidal. I was immensely depressed, could barely stay awake past 6pm, would get up to work all day, then rinse and repeat.

I had a plan, I didn’t want to do it, I just didn’t want to feel what I was feeling; I was so immensely tired on so many levels and it sounded better to just keep sleeping. I told the right people and had my plan taken from me.

I will never have not lived that phase of life, just like I will never have not lived this phase of life.

When people ask me what started happy thoughts, there are so many answers I can give and I figure suicidal ideations isn’t what they’re hoping to hear, but then again maybe they are. Maybe the person asking is in the same spot and they’re looking for a thought or any hope that things are going to get better. They are; not in the fluffy clouds and butterflies way, in the rigorous self love and healing type of way, which is SO MUCH better, albeit… not at first. It makes me tear up that I considered not staying around for this phase of life.

On this journey I keep talking about how selfish isn’t a bad thing, it’s self centered that trips us up. We’re too often taught that not taking care of ourselves is the honorable thing to do and I’m gonna keep calling bullsh*t on that; if selfish means taking care of me above others, I wanna be that; I’m nothing to others without taking care of me. Taking care of others above me almost killed me. Suicide is a heartbreaking act of self care that goes way wrong. If that’s the level of self care one has access to, we must look around and make access and acceptability of self care FAR better.

The function of freedom is to free someone else. - Toni Morrison

This quote hit different last night. The function of this business is to remind us that we’re not alone and healing is available within us. We’re more powerful than we can imagine and we can only ask for help when we know ourselves enough to know we need it and value ourselves enough to think we deserve it. You have everything you need already within you and there is abundance in how this universe wants to prove it to you when you’re willing to see it.

All my love to you beautiful little mushes! If you’re struggling, reach out, or follow along! I’m learning what my purpose is in this life and it includes a lot of healing, the pain was non-preferred, but I’m learning to love this ride of turning lemons into lemonade :)

If this happy thought project has taught me anything, we’re all the same at our core; we want to matter, we want to feel loved, and we want to find connection within that. It’s as simple and challenging as that :)