The waiting room

So I wrote this blog on Monday and then forgot to save it… sooo here I am again.

Kristitchin is heading to Vegas! I will be an exhibitor at the ASD Market Week at the Las Vegas Convention Center. It was just a seed of an idea back in November, I reached out to learn more in information seeking mode and like the strongest seeds do, it took root… so here I go!

I have been preparing for weeks, but if we’re being entirely honest, there’s just not THAT much to do. Since I carry my belongings with me all the days, packing’s just not the same as it used to be. I pack and unpack, organize and reorganize myself on the daily just to exist as the snail that I do (btw I LOVE snails and I heard this metaphor for a nomad in “Eat Pray Love” and I will henceforth be lovingly leaning into this idea).

Since my bustle has been lacking while prepping for this massive showcase with wildly minimal experience, I have really hunkered down in the waiting room.

What is the waiting room?? Ya might wonder…

It’s the term my friend used when I told her my current circumstances and it was so accurate, it earned a blog title. I told her so much is happening, yet nothing is happening, I told her I’m doing things I’ve never done, that I don’t even recognize this being I’ve become, who is like, GOING-for-it, and that I’m heading somewhere new, but also have no idea where I’m going.

Turns out, that’s a waiting room. It’s uncomfortable, there’s a lot of space, there’s a lot of ‘keep yourself busy',’ and then all of a sudden moments of “how did I not think of that!” and furious writing of lists to ask or to do if things go one way or the other. The anticipation is palpable laced with slight dread and a desire to protect myself from disappointment. Since I just yammered on about how disappointment is a good thing (see last blog), you can imagine how nice it is to begrudgingly befriend this fear of disappointment.

This waiting room has included a lot of snacks, some knit otters, some knit hats, a lot of chats, a lot of dreaming, a LOT of dreaming, some journaling, a fair amount of research, and just trying to absorb what the moment has while staving off nerves. My version of research is a little different now from what I learned in school; the more I dream, the more I know what I want when it shows up, When I dream up what I need and who I want to show up, by way of all the beautiful people I come across, I open up a lil file folder in my being that the universe can fill. I know this doesn’t sound science-y and might not sound like the best business practice, but it’s been absolutely CRAZY to watch things show up in their lil file folders in the perfect way when I let go of the “how.”

Important sidenote: I genuinely don’t know “how” to do what I’m doing, so in that way, letting go of the “how” is far less devastating…

So here I am, in my old neighborhood at a coffee shop writing for my last time in this phase of life. No matter what happens next, things will be different when I come back. I will be different, the business will be different; I will know different things, I will do things in a different way, I will know different people, and I will have new dreams.

There are times where change is slow and surprising; like when I found my joy again, it was so dark for so long that I honestly don’t remember the day that the light turned on again, but it did. There are other times when change is abrupt and alarming; I’m realizing I’ve never chosen this by way of anticipation and hope before. I’ve made the abrupt and alarming change MANY times in my life, but never in this way, never simply because I believe I can do it, never because I just fancy putting myself on the path to abundance.

Who is this girl?? In my life, I have very diligently put myself on the path of less pain in countless ways, but jumping on the path of happiness and abundance? I both don’t know who this girl is, and know her better than I ever have before. Fear and anxiety know how to keep the good stuff quiet; they definitely still make their concerns known, but this little growing me is starting to peak out and I just think it’s gonna get pretty good on the other side.

Everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of fear -George Addair

If I do nothing else in this life, I’m hell bent on feeling a life without fear; the waiting room door creaks open tomorrow!