Happy Happens
I picked up the last of my Happy Thought order I made in December this week. It hit me how fleeting this life is, how moments don’t last; they’re like little dominoes knocking into new moments, each impacted by the one before, but the longer they go the quicker they seem separate from where it all started.
I can’t remember everything that is happening. I’m being triggered, but I think in a healing way. I’ve had this feeling before, but on the opposite side of this pendulum.
When I was having deep struggles with my mental health, it felt like my brain was a sieve, I could hold information for a second, but then it would so easily fall through the cracks. I’d watch it happen and literally mourn it as it happened; when you’re trying to fix your brain, just like when you’re trying to fix any physical ailment, you’re your biggest advocate and you’re your biggest nemesis. The difference with the whole mental thing is how subjective things can get… I’d try to articulate what was happening in my brain and heart and self and, on a good day, I’d get recommendations of what to do; there were two major problems with this scenario. First, the person receiving said recommendations did not have a super functioning brain, so one can assume these recommendations were not executed perfectly, but second, and one can’t stress this one enough, the person describing the problem also did not have a super functioning brain, so was it an accurate portrayal of the problem? I can’t imagine so.
Suffice it to say, it was a shit show, and happy thoughts were chilling on my mirrors.
My last picture before moving to San Diego. (both of those happy thoughts are in the Happy Thoughtlet :))
It’s not shocking that I don’t remember how things started changing, but I think it started with the doing. During a major transition in my psyche, I decided I wasn’t going to wait anymore and the dominoes started falling. If I wanted to camp, 'I’d camp, if I wanted to see that movie, I’d go, if I wanted to move states, I’d pack my life up, if I wanted to learn new activities, I’d find a way, and when I decided to start a business, I’d figure out what I was selling later. Little by little, I decided that what I wanted had value and that I was worth the risk. In the thick of the shit show, I’d complain how I was doing the things; I was going to therapy, I was journaling, I was exercising, I was getting outside, I was talking to friends, I was spending time alone, I was doing ‘ALL’ the things, yet I was still unhappy. When I started risking for me, I think my brain hopped back on board. I think thats when the happy started happening.
My first solo camp trip, 2018.
Now, I can’t hold everything that’s happening in my brain, for the opposite reason. I am reaching so far right now, I am considering the unimaginable and trying to find my limits; there is just too much to hold! These dominoes have been magic and I am mourning their loss and am looking forward to their continued tumble. I am seeing, for the umpteenth time, how things are constantly changing and we can mourn them and at the same time, feel grateful we have them to mourn. It’s odd, the feeling of change; the pull of remorse, the hope for something new, the discomfort of the unknown, the fear of risk, and if you can get there, the excitement of the vision.
Everything’s about to change again; I’m getting comfy in the knowledge that this is just the beginning of another cycle and there will be another one after this. I’m really proud of this little brain for knowing how she works and getting shit done in the way that works. I’m scattered and impulsive and creative and determined and have leaned into just doing the things scared.
One of the happy thoughts says “when you befriend fear. it can’t rule you.” I wouldn’t say we’re friends yet, more like begrudging assigned partners, but thank God, I call the shots now.