The search
I’ve been asked recently if I think happiness is a choice, ya know “choose happy” and all that? I personally find it kinda abstract, maybe I’m too literal but I just can’t find the structure in it. I don’t think we choose happy, but I do think we find it within the choice of choosing us. I think being the most authentic you- valuing and giving credence to the real you, taking the gut wrenching punches it takes to genuinely and authentically be you in a tough world, simply because you think you’re worth it, gives you the ultimate chance for happiness.
I know that If I decided to go for a walk because my body likes to move, if I stared at nature just to marvel at it, if I told someone I was hurt when I felt hurt, if I allowed myself to wonder if there was more for me, if I drank a glass of water, if I gave myself a hug, if I looked around in gratitude, if I told the people I love, I love them, if I prioritized me being one of those people I loved, if I created something, if I believed in myself, if I let myself fall because I trusted myself to get up, if I gave the weird little things in my heart value and space to grow, if I let myself stop when I’m tired, if I let myself stop just to stop, if I cried when it hurt, if I took care of the little being that I carry in this body like the precious thing she is, I know happiness will be waiting.
I think happiness and healing just come along as side effects when you prioritize you and your well-being.
You can’t be you unless you value you; when you value you, the pain and risk of being you becomes a challenge that doesn’t so much feel chosen as just the home that’s been there all along.
If we don’t have us, who do we have to give?
This time of year many years ago is when I stopped trusting my own story, it’s when I stopped fighting and started surviving. I started trusting my story again when I started frantically writing it after a series of desperately trying not to; after years of seeking to belong someplace other than with me, after years of finding myself in chaos, trying to fix said chaos, and repeatedly telling myself I had “no idea” how I got into said chaos.
I started writing my story when I took responsibility for the little weirdo that is me, grabbed the reins, and started doing things for me simply because I was worth the risk. I didn’t choose happy; I chose me and found happy just trottin’ along next to me, like this was the plan all along.
“Nothing brings down walls as surely as acceptance.” -Deepak Chopra
I love this Happy Thought in terms of the walls we put up in this world, but I also love it in terms of the walls we put up in ourselves; when we’re convincing ourselves that everything’s OK when it’s not, when we’re ignoring that gut feeling that something’s not right because it’s just too hard to consider what that means, when we’re convincing ourselves that crazy idea is just too crazy… basically when we’re convincing ourselves that who we are isn’t actually who we are.
Acceptance is the most basic level of love; accepting someone for who they are, without judgement, without any agenda to change anything is the purest form of love; it’s gotta start with us!
You’re amazing, along with all the weird, good, bad, sad, confusing parts of you :)